cuteboyswithcats:

nooneeverthinksofescape

suggested by kitsunenoire

WHEREISMYONEOFTHESE? 

I realized the other day that if I am going to meet my husband anytime before I am forty, he’s going to have to like Keats and Ruu as much as he likes me. Not just cats, these cats. They plan to be around. It was a funny realization. 

(Source: thinkofescape)

My finals are in less than two weeks.

I have done approximately zero homework and gone to perhaps half the hours of class I’m supposed to attend per week since sixth week (it is now 9th week). 

This is my second to last quarter of college and I need to think about keeping my GPA in tact so that I even have a chance at my application to Teach for America or an internship with International Justice Mission. 

So what I should be doing this week is reading every scrap of anything assigned to me in my Political Psychology class, which is the one class I actually LIKE this quarter, in preparation for the 10 page research proposal/essay that is due a week from tomorrow.

Instead I have done two different photo shoots for two different friends (for which I now need to make time for editing and processing), worked at Earl’s, sacrificed needed recuperational sleep for an amazing 2 hours of conversation with a new good friend, watched the season finale of Lost then Glee with my roommates prior to having a not so awesome conversation about living situations, worked more at Earl’s, and stayed on campus until 11:45pm to watch the entirety Warren College’s Spring 2010 open Mic night. And my siblings are flying in for the weekend tomorrow night, so there is not even any hope for productivity until Monday, when I have another longer photo shoot scheduled. 

Half of me is full of panic and misery because I have no self control, have no idea what I’m going to write my paper on, and have become the worst student I have ever been in my entire life. But this is being alarmingly stifled by the half of me that is full of joy that I’ve been choosing things that bring me life and happiness and growth and God over school. 

I’d like my second half to be able to take over completely so that I am not living in a perpetually simmering melt-down of panic. I’d really appreciate if I could simply reject society’s strictures to me that I must be a good student and I must do well in school and if I do not I am a terrible human being. Because… I just don’t give a shit. But I’m supposed to. So I do. Half of me does, anyways. 

CONFLICTCONFLICTCONFLICT. 

I’m also really sad for my roommates who are in school destructo mode. :( All I want is for them to be happy and contented, but neither are happy with anything right now because they have crazy amounts of lhewroiadsjlewhrwwqewiljads on their plates. I’m praying I can somehow be love and relief in the middle of that, but don’t know how. 

in other news: Henderson flat out admitted his Hipster species to an audience tonight. Does that, ironically, make him less of a hipster? Or because that would be ironic, make him more of one? Loved loved loved Warren Open Mic Night SP10.

It really sucks when I try to do the right thing/healthy thing in spite of how much I’d rather do something else, and it just falls flat. Again. and Again.

Last night, I got home from work at 2:15ish. The upside down of Rob’s feet as he’s sprawled passed out on our couch is my first glimpse of my friend in something like 2+ weeks. I laugh, but quietly. And I decide that as I’m not dragging exhausted—for all that I should be—I really needed to spend some time with the Lord and talk through some things that Jerusha and I talked about yesterday. Important things, soul kind of things. My other option was to crawl into bed and watch Supernatural until I fell asleep, which probably would have taken ten minutes. I chose the right thing and spent some serious time with my Dad. This time turned into it being 4 AM before I realized. Way to kick myself in my sleep deprived face. But it still should have been good, because I felt good, I’d had a long time of prayer and journaling, and I was going to sleep rested and at peace.

Then I got woken up this morning at 8 AM by Rob and Morgan yelling about something exciting.

I would usually sigh frustratedly, angrily close my curtains, turn up my music, and stew until I either fell back to sleep or decided it was game over. This morning, I decided to do the right, self-assured, thing, and just get my ass up and ask them to maybe be a little bit quieter because I’d gone to sleep so late. I’m met with an “Oh. Sorry.” Blank stare. Okay. Nn. So I turn my music up and hide under my covers. And then I hear them leaving. And Rob leaves whenever Morgan left. Which is fine—not like I expect him to wait around while I’m sleeping, especially when we haven’t even been hanging out. It was just jarring to have my first interaction with a good friend of mine in two weeks be so… flat. And awful.

In my third attempt of the 24hours to “do the right thing” I texted him to just interact more/better than we had. As of writing this he has yet to respond. Cue compounded feeling of being ignored and discarded. (EDIT: shortly after posting this he texted me back, so it’s not like Rob and I are in drama. The meat of this post still applies though, so it’s not being deleted.)

Coincidentally, Jerusha and I had a mini deep conversation about this exact thing while we were on the phone yesterday, in relation to another more intense situation, but same general awful cycle of ignored, discarded, worthlessness. Jerusha referred to it as seeing my “Courage go Unrewarded”. While it may seem like a simple, exceedingly rational, thing to many of you, approaching someone I care about with the fact that they have hurt, disrespected, angered, or in some other way thrown a wrench at me/into our friendship is very hard for me. My MO is something like “Don’t stir the waters, let everyone calm down, it will pass, we will get through it… it’s not that big of a deal; I don’t need to burden them.” Therefore, to have the first major time that I have desperately sought to talk to someone close to me about something really important explode in my face with blatant disregard and evasion was disastrous. How can we grow out of our shit when our attempts are undercut? It took major effort and courage for me to call, text, email, over and over, said person until finally giving it up.

I don’t want something similar to happen again.

Obviously I’m not in any parallel of the same situation… This morning was just action after action that I thought was going to be the “correct”/”best”/”healthy” action being thrown back and me in my face. Hanging out with the Lord, down 2 hours of sleep. Asking for a simple quiet, ambivalence. Seeking discussion, no response.

The good part is, there are a LOT of people in my life who ARE rewarding my courage. There are a lot of people in my life who do absolutely nothing but bring light and joy into my day. I need to actively start hanging out with these people more than just seeing them when I’m at work or OL training or X Event. Full of love and heart and happiness is what they make me. I hope that I shine at least a minuscule part of that back to them.

Thank you, my dearest life givers. I don’t know what I would do without you. <3

There is something extraordinarily strange about the fact that this is the single real drawing I have of the most important characters of my creative life/brain. Extraordinarily strange. 

I guess there’s something to be said for the fact that there is more literature revolving around the two of them than any of my other’s though. 

Still.

Weirds me out. 

mer.